October 29, 2011

Van Love

I have a confession.

I love my minivan.

Weird, right?

I mean, what self-respecting man would ever say such a thing? Minivans are for soccer moms. Minivans aren't for Marines.

These were all thoughts that went through my head when The Wife and I started talking about a new vehicle. Our crossover wasn't going to cut it. As comfortable as it was for the three of us, there was no way to get two rear-facing car seats in it. "Knees in chest" is not my preferred driving style. We needed a baby hauler, a third row for any future additions, and space for the dog when he tags along. A minivan seemed to be the answer. But ... ick.

For years the minivan was a neglected vehicle class by automakers. It was on their lots for those who wanted function and didn't care about sexy. But today's car buyer wants sexy. Sex sells.

It took until 2011 for automakers to finally realized this. A few clever re-designs and funny ads later I - like many cool dads - was hooked. A minivan was the answer.

The salesman was a little surprised when I didn't want to take it out for a test drive, but really, who buys a minivan for its stellar handling? It's a minivan, not a Porsche.

The offer I did take him up on was the half-hour class about how to operate the features. What we wound up purchasing was a computer with four wheels. After learning about Bluetooth, touchscreens, back-up cameras, climate zones, and steering wheel controls I thought I was ready.

That is until I got home and started flipping through the owner's manual. I am not exaggerating when I say that 50 pages are dedicated to how to open, close, lock and unlock the doors. I'm only exaggerating a little when I say there's a trillion different ways to do all this. Each way relies on technology. Power sliding this, and abracadabra that. I don't even need to pull out a key to unlock the door. I just grab the handle and the van knows it's me. It cheerfully beeps and unlocks. Quite fancy. I'm not looking forward to the day after the warranty runs out. I'm not positive, but I'm guessing if that feature breaks it's gonna cost me a lot. I think if anything breaks, it's gonna cost me.

But in the meantime, I'm going to continue to love the comfortable ride, the space, and all the convenient features of my well-designed minivan. We dads no longer have to hang our heads in shame when we drive around.

We can drive with our dignity restored!

We can finally be proud! 

We can give each other little waves when we pass each other, like Jeep owners and motorcycle riders!

That might be going a bit too far.

But I love my minivan, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

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