Finally with the family (for a bit)

Well, it's been a little bit since I've updated everyone on my goings-on. To summarize: it's been hectic.

Between virtual tea party Skype sessions and work, I packed up the rest of our house and had it hauled away to storage (thanks Pods!). Some wonderful friends helped with the big stuff, but packing all the little things - and there were plenty - plus a good cleaning of the house was left up to me. I turned the keys back over two Saturdays ago.

Leaving was a bit tough. We really were blessed with finding such a great place: a four-bedroom ranch 20 minutes from work in our budget. This was our first non-apartment dwelling as a married couple, something both of us really couldn't wait for. We brought Timothy home from the hospital to this house. Grace learned how to walk on the slippery faux hardwood floors. We had tons of memorable family visits in the short year and a half we were there. Thanksgiving was a blast, even though the turkey tried to murder me. I'm going to miss not being there.

I'm now visiting with my family prior to the deployment and trying to get the most out of every moment.

Ice cream for Grace (courtesy of GiGi)!

Funny thing about not seeing your kids for a month. The changes that normally seem so gradual over time smack you in the face. A month ago, Grace was communicating, but it was more with babble and hand gestures. Now, she's speaking more clearly, and in some cases, in complete sentences. She follows directions well and has a better grasp of her numbers, letters, and colors. I didn't really get to see this evolution, so it blew me away how grown up she seemed. Timothy wasn't sitting up. Now he is. He's waving, and starting to babble. He's rolling over like a champ. Crawling is in the near future. He seems more like a toddler to me than the baby I said goodbye to at the beginning of the year.

If that's one month, after twelve, I'll be coming home to completely different human beings!

All bundled up for a winter walk.

It's really been a lot of fun getting to do nothing but to hang out with my wife and kids. Grace has been pretty much glued to my side since I've been here, and I'm not complaining. We've read about 500 books. I've been served 800 cups of imaginary tea. And she's been bounced, twirled, flipped, and tossed a thousand times. Both kids have gotten a million kisses. I've savored every moment (even the ones in the middle of the night) that Timothy has slept in my arms. I realize these may be the last days of that for me. He'll be a full-fledged toddler before my return, and in my experience, toddlers do not sleep in their parents arms often.

However, I can honestly say I haven't dwelled on the negatives or the impending reality. I've been able to live in the moment which, I think, makes those moments all that much better. Too often I've forced a moment to be something more than it is just because it's the last time or only time I'll get to experience it. I then get so focused on perfection or preservation that the real specialness is lost.

Because of my new approach, I'll look back at these few days and remember Grace's addicting laugh, Noah's precious face when he sleeps, and the way my wife smiles when she watches the scene of me playing on the floor with both kids.


Taking a few pictures along the way helps too.

Grandpa trying to cheer up a tired Timothy.

My parents, sister and one of her daughters came to visit us this past weekend to say goodbye. So did my wife's brother and his fiance. As always, time with them seems to pass too quickly, but it was enjoyable to have both sides of the family gathered under one roof. I think the last time all of us were together like this was at our wedding in 2008.

While they were here, we celebrated Grace's second birthday, even though she won't be two until Valentine's Day. But, the benefit of her being two is she won't know the difference.

Celebrating Grace's 2nd birthday a bit early.

As my time here winds down, I plan on spending it how I've been spending it: with those I love as close to me as possible. Nothing too fancy, nothing too planned, just full of as laughter, life, and love.

What I miss as a dad separated from his family

Do you know what the best thing about being away from your family is?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

At first, the idea of some peace and quiet was nice. A stay-cation of sorts. I could be on my own schedule, and watch what I wanted on TV. No more Yo Gabba Gabba for this dad. I could eat peanut butter straight out of the jar. I didn't have to wake up in the middle of the night for anything. I could let the dishes sit in the sink. There was no one to tell me what to do. This was all pretty cool.

For like an hour.

After that, I started craving things like a little girl running into the room with her blanket to climb up and snuggle on the couch with me. I crave giggles, smiles, laughs, coos, and yes, even crying. I crave my old routine. I crave reading the same book three times in a row before bed. I crave Goodnight Moon and goodnight kisses. I crave hugs. I crave little babies sleeping in my arms. I crave changing diapers. Well, lets be honest, maybe not that. I could do without changing diapers. But I crave those little ones that make such big messes. I crave hearing battery-operated children's toys that sing the ABC's and count to ten in Spanish. I crave talking to my wife face to face. I crave holding her hand. I crave seeing her when I walk in the door coming home from work. I crave having her close at night. I crave her poking me awake to go rock our son back to sleep. I crave giving her sleepy head a goodbye kiss in the morning. I crave leftovers for lunch.

I crave what I'm missing.

On my way to work I got a call from The Wife and Grace. Our almost two-year-old was excited to tell me that she "went pee pee in the potty." This was a first. I, of course, want to be there for that. Or at least hear about it in person. But, that's obviously not possible. I can't stop time. I can't tell Grace to stay little until I get back. I can't tell Timothy to not crawl and walk until I can cheer him on. I have to encourage them and cheer them on over the phone or through the computer.

Those video chats we do regularly keep me smiling. My daughter is learning quickly how to interact with me over the computer. We laugh and giggle and act silly just like if we were together. She couldn't wait to show me how she does the Hokey Pokey. Timothy is learning how to wave and clap. It's all fun to watch, and those chats are the highlight of my day.

But of course, there are dinners to make, baths to be had, and bedtime for little ones. The call has to end at some point. And when it does, our now empty house is once again quiet. And I go back to eating peanut butter straight from the jar.

Starting the year off right

I start off this new year alone. But I’m not going to let that fact bring me (or you) down.

As I type, it’s New Year’s Day and I’m sitting in an airport waiting for a flight that will undo in 6 hours what took my family and me 6 days to do – cross the country. However, I don’t have my travel companions with me for this trip. I left my wife, two children, and dog with her parents as I finish up the last bit of training and preparations for a year-long deployment.

It probably goes without saying that I’m sad about all of this. No one – at least those with happy marriages – asks to be separated from their loved ones for long periods of time. But it’s simply a reality we’ve come to accept. We both compartmentalized the feelings; the reality really hasn’t sunk in for my wife or me yet.

And not to sound insensitive, but it’s not my wife I really worry about. We’ve done this before. We endured a six-month deployment the first year we got married. We made it through. I would even say our relationship grew stronger because of the first deployment. We didn’t waste time quarreling about things our first year. We talked. We got to know each other better through almost daily conversations on video chat and the phone. We didn’t want to waste those precious moments we had together disagreeing. We wanted to talk about everything else. And we did.

But, as I’ve said before, this deployment is two kids later. They need me to hold them. To play with them. To teach them. To be a dad. My fear is that “Daddy” will become something else my daughter sees on the computer or TV, not unlike Mickey Mouse. When I come home, my son will have known a digital version of me more than the real me. There’s undoubtedly going to be a major adjustment for all of us when I get back.

My wife and I will be fine. Sure, there will be near-unbearable days. Those days where both of us will want to throw in the towel and quit this challenge God has laid out for us. But we’ll talk it out. We’ll get through it. We’ll pray for each other and encourage each other the way we always do.

In that light, I want to lay out my goals for 2012. These aren’t resolutions. The last New Year’s resolution I made (about a decade ago) was to not make any more New Year’s resolutions. So these are goals.  Instead of poo-hooing what’s bound to be a lonely year, I’m going to make the best of it. Through that, hopefully my wife and I will be the nucleus for an even stronger family in 2013.

The list:

• I will not feel sorry for myself.

Hundreds of thousands of people have done exactly what we’re doing now. While challenging and awkward, deployments aren’t new. Many have endured much more than us and come out the other end just fine.

• I will not allow you to feel sorry for me. 

Yes, I’ll use this blog to talk about the difficulties of separation and my feelings about being a parent from 7,000 miles away, but I won’t do so I can host a pity party. Please, pray for my family and me. Please offer encouragement and advice, but please don’t feel sorry. We picked this life, and my wife and I are honored to serve this country in the roles we’re in.

• I will study more of God’s word.

I’ve been pretty regular with reading the Bible, but I want to get more out of my daily quiet time. I want to emerge a better Christian, husband, and leader because of my relationship with Christ.

• I will write more.

This could be for the blog. This could be for other personal reasons. But, since I started doing this page a few months ago, I’ve rediscovered writing as a creative outlet and stress reducer. I’m going to need both.

• I will watch less.

I like TV, and they’ve got it in Afghanistan, but I use the tube as a way to pass more time than I probably should. Maybe engaging in more stimulating things in my downtime while deployed will produce a more creative, thoughtful me.

• I will be more organized and focus on routine.

I have a habit of getting a good idea, sticking with it for a few days and then getting lazy. Maybe if I focus on developing good habits, I’ll learn to stick with things a bit longer. Not only is this a good personal goal, it will help pass time more quickly. If I focus on what I’m doing, there will be less time for my mind to dwell on other things.

• I will strive to be a role model for others when it comes to dealing with being a deployed family man.

So many people in the military divorce or have strained relationships. Multiple deployments and the tough-guy culture don’t help. If I can have a good attitude, instead of being negative about the situation, maybe others can feed off of that and do the same.

• I will be the best Dad I can be, no matter where I am.

I will always have time for them, and I will seek ways to be that father figure they need. Even virtually.

• I will be the best husband I can be, no matter where I am.

I will make sure my wife knows how much I love her and how amazing I think she is. She’ll still need me (and I her), and I will make sure I don’t let her down.

There. A list. You can hold me to it too. So with goals (not resolutions) laid out in digital stone, here’s to 2012!

What I've learned

After being at this dad gig for exactly 20 months, I'm amazed at how I've changed as a person and what I've learned about myself and life everyday.

• I can change a diaper one-handed (while balancing the child between two sinks in a restaurant men's room, cursing the fact that they only installed a changing station in the women's restroom, praying to God I don't drop her).
• Girl diapers are easier to change than boy diapers.
• I can talk about poo with a straight face now. 
• I can get poo on my hands and not freak out.
• Kids are the ultimate cure. Seeing them smile makes even the worst day not so bad.
• I have a sixth sense that allows me to dodge toys on the floor in the middle of the night.
• I'm a softie.
• I have the ability to read the same book 400 times with the same enthusiasm and inflection I did the first time I read it.
• My child's reactions make reading the same book 400 times tolerable.
• My heart grows to accommodate the love I have.
• I am not the most important person.
• Leaving for work in the morning is tougher, coming home is sweeter.
• I better understand God's unconditional love for His children.
• There is nothing sweeter than an infant's coo or a toddler saying the words "vuv oo Daddi."
• A child sleeping on your chest is a great feeling.
• A tiny hand wrapped around your finger is also a great feeling.
• I will sacrifice my dignity for my children's amusement.

The list goes on, but you get the idea.

Honestly, when I first found out The Wife was pregnant with our first child I wasn't sure if I was ready to be a dad. I was recently back from my deployment to Afghanistan. We had only been married a little over a year, and I was gone for half that time. I was selfish and wanted her all to myself. I knew her getting pregnant was a possibility, it just became a reality much quicker than we expected. Plus, how would I be as a dad? Was I up to filling one of the most important roles I'll ever fill?

That's probably the biggest lesson I've learned so far: That God sometimes puts us way out of our comfort zone so we can grow. He felt I was ready, and that had to be good enough for me.

Twenty months in, and God was right. I was ready, and I've grown a lot. I've realized most of my anxiety came from the fear of the unknown. Instinct kicks in more often than not, and if I'm really stuck, The Wife has the answer.

Beginnings

I had higher expectations for my first post.

I wanted it to grab your attention, set the tone, and leave you with a warm and fuzzy first impression. Instead, my creativity was stunted by the need to suction the snot out of my three-month-old son's nose. And the longer I sit here, the more my daughter's desire to mash the computer keys grows. I've got to make this quick.

This blog is the product of a need for a creative outlet. I'm plenty busy, so the decision to add another commitment wasn't made lightly. My only expectation is that I want this be a place for me to write down the thoughts in my head as I learn how to balance being a husband, father, and Marine. It's also an archive for my children to read someday to answer burning questions like where they got their weird senses of humor (me), lack of rhythm (me), and insanely good looks (their mother).

Here we go ...